Addiction – How the Family Suffers and What It Can Do

The members of a family are interdependent on each other**.** Therefore, when there is stress, the whole family readjusts itself to bring stability and balance into their lives**.**

With an addict in the family, the rest of the family members begin to react in predictable ways**.**

When one member of the family suffers from addiction, there are multiple victims. Primarily, they are the wife, parents, and children**.** They are victims of addiction, without using chemicals themselves**!** These people suffer silently in the background, struggling to solve their problems, numbing their feelings**.** Such persons are referred to as co-dependents while addicts are called dependents (on a substance such as alcohol)

Co-dependents usually react rather than act to problems and pain**.** The need is to learn to act, rather than react**.**

As the problems increase, they suffer from isolation, depression, emotional/ physical illness and sometimes suicidal tendencies**.** Family members go through an emotional roller coaster ride that never seems to end**.**

Guilt is a common and overwhelming feeling**.** Culturally, the wife or parents are usually blamed squarely for the addict’s problems. This leads to a lot of self-blame and consequently to deep shame**.**

Grief is felt when the family loses the pleasures of life**.** In case of addiction, there is a chronic and extended loss with no visible end- loss of prestige, of family ties, of personal dignity, of feelings of love, of friends, of finances… the list goes on**.**

When there is no sharing and caring, it creates lots of Anger**.** The family’s helplessness makes them angrier with just about everything- family, friends, and the world at large**.** The addict gets angry and shouts throughout the night**.** The wife starts shouting the next morning**.** In either case, the other person is not listening. Continued anger becomes deep-rooted resentment**.**

There is also lot of humiliation. The drunken behaviour of the addict in front of relatives and friends causes embarrassment leading to feelings of low self-worth and deep shame**.**

Living in such a constantly stressful state produces a lot of Fear– fear of future, of family life, of financial matters, of relationships, of arguments, of the addict’s health etc**.**

These stressful situations lead to communication breakdowns in the family**.** There is no love, caring and sharing. Instead, in an attempt to hide the emotions, the family experiences terrible loneliness**.**

These negative emotions lead to a predictable behavioural response called denial**.**

As fear increases, the family denies having any problem**.** They justify and rationalize the situation by attributing all this to ‘too much pressure” or some such external factor**.** Denial is not lying**.** It is used unconsciously to control fear and anxiety**.**

The spouse of the addict usually becomes a good ‘enabler’ with good intentions**.** In order to show care and concern, and to protect her dignity; she covers up the consequences of the addict’s behaviour**.** She perpetually keeps bailing him out of situations to avoid an awkward situation, instead of allowing him to face the consequences of his actions**.** She becomes an ideal, competent and protective wife, thereby enabling the addict to continue his addiction without taking responsibility**.**

As a family member, one must realize that addiction is a disease- not a moral weakness, nor a lack of willpower**.** The addict is truly powerless over his addiction.

The family member needs to accept this truth**.** This will help in changing the attitude and approach towards the addict and his addiction**.** Just as addiction has taken years to develop, recovery cannot happen overnight**.** Addiction is a progressive disease, requiring professional help**.**

Some don’ts:

• Don’t justify the addict’s chemical abuse**.**
• Don’t hide liquor /drugs. The addict will anyway know how to acquire more and you will end up frustrated**.**
• Don’t argue with the person when under the influence of chemicals**.**
• Don’t attempt to punish or bribe**.**
• Don’t feel guilty for the addict’s behaviour**.**
• Don’t treat the addict as a child**.**
• Don’t try to control the addict and his addiction**.** Seek professional help**.**

Chemical dependency is family problem, a family disease**.** Whatever time it takes, recovery is worth all this effort – that of the addict and the family**.**

Hope Trust has a highly evolved Family Support Program that provides much-needed support to the family.